For every smile
For every laughter
A drop of tear will fall to the ground

For every lie
For every broken promises
A scar will be drawn on one's heart

For every spark of a new love
For every birth of a new couple
There will be a beginning for a soul of a broken heart.




Certain people says that you must chase for your own happiness.
Happiness will not come to you.



So,
the question of the day.

Should I chase after my own happiness?

You was holding my hands.
Looking straight to my eyes.

Yes,
that is the look in your eyes..
The warm look which was the reason why I fall for you deeply.


I wanted to tell you how much I love you in that moment.
But you put your finger on my lips.
Asked me to close my eyes and count till three.


1....2.........3.............



*opened my eyes*






"Elaine, its over. Let's walk separate ways from now."







For once,
I thought my dream came true.
Even if its only a dream, I thought I can finally feel the warmth of your hands.

But it was another disappointment.
You just can't even let me feel the love that I once had from you in my dreams.

Nightmare?


No.



I can feel the real pain in my heart.

Wow.
I guess I'm getting good in hiding my feelings now.

Why?



Andrew said,
"You're improving."



Because I said,
"That grey shirt guy is cute"


But the truth is..
That grey shirt guy looks like him.
Reminded me of him a lot..




♥?



I can't take it, my dear.
Have you been cheating on me all this while?
Ditch me for another girl?
Have you forgotten all our sweet memories together in just 4days?
Or maybe you've already erased it from your mind long before we broke up?

Nightmare, nightmare, nightmare.



Not even some peaceful rest?






Must life really needs to treat me this way?







I can sense it well.

I'm gonna collapse badly soon.

Met with an accident today.
Damaged?
Quite bad.


Passenger back door kinda 'kemek' already.
Got hit by a Proton Iswara.
But his bumper did not receive any damage. *what the hell*


Focus, Elaine!
FOCUS!
Stop thinking bout him!!



But,
he was the first person who came across my mind when it happened.






"Fake a frown, you'll hurt your friends.
Fake a smile, you'll hurt yourself."
as said by my darling, Chan Mann.

Chan Mann, my darling..
Its best that I'm only hurting myself than anyone out there.
Smiling, is the only way to show that I'm fine, I'm alright, and I'm okay.

Because there's no point for everyone asking me,
if I'm okay.
We all know well, that it is a stupid question.
But with an additional smile on my face,
you all won't be asking me that anymore.

Tried my best to get myself busy.
I guess its only words for me.

I can't lie to myself that I'm ready to move on.
I can't lie to myself that I hate you.
I also can't lie to myself that I can forget you.

But after all those little lies,
why can I lie to myself that it was a just a dream...?
That all of these never happened before?

You was once so serious to me,
but now you're treating all this like a junk?




Wake up, Elaine.





I'm just another failure.
No.. I'm not any perfect girl..
I'm not any remarkable person..

My darlings,
If I am,
none of this would have happened right?
And sad to say,
it happened again and again..


Honestly,
I just don't know how to face this world anymore.
Pretending that I'm alright, smiling and laughing like an idiot?
I can do that perfectly, but its killing me inside!



I feel like stabbing myself again and again.


Please..
End this misery for me?
Perhaps..
Death could be the only answer?

131 days.
Can you imagine?
How fast time passed?

I can't believe you've given up on this relationship this fast.
Perhaps,
you've never tried to give this relationship a chance.


You said,
"You've wasted my time, and my love"
Well, think again my love.
If I've been thinking in such way,
I've already ditch you for better ones out there.




Yes, you may think its over.
It is not, to me.
Stop loving me.
Its fine.
I can't do anything if you no longer love me.
But,
you too, can't do anything to stop this feelings of mine.


Yes.
It'll be a whole new day for me tomorrow.
I will greet my mom with a warm hug.
I will go to class with a big smile.
I will face the world with laughter.

But.

No one will know the pain in me.
You did not set me free.
You've just make things worst.
For me, not you.
Setting me free does not means that it is over.
It means that now, I have to face this ruthless world alone.


"Goodbye.", I said.
I wish I mean it.


Thanks for wasting your time on me.
Just so you know,
I did not waste my time on you.
Because I'd truly loved you.
And it worth it.




All the best in your life.

Yes, its been a while since I last posted something.
I just read through my previous blog.
Thinking back of what my ex did to me,
makes me look back at my old scars.
Its still there, but I didn't realize how fast it healed.


Was it you, who helped me bury all my past and bring joy in my life?
Yes, it was you.

Nevertheless,
it was you too..
Who pushed me back down to where I fell..


No, I don't blame you.
I blame myself for everything that has happened.
I was too blind..
Too blind to see the real truth..
Too blind to see the abyss that is once again,
ready to pull me down and ruin everything..


Do not say I'm perfect.
Don't ever try to say that in front of my face, my dear.
If I am,
none of this would have happened.

People been asking,
"What do you want as your birthday gift?"
Yea, I may say all kind of craps..
Especially SANDBAG.


But well, deep in my heart...
All I really want as my birthday is to spend the whole day with him and only him.

Sigh..
Waking up this morning with the urge to make a post in my blog.
But now, I just don't know how to put my words together..

Well, I may have kept some guessing about my relationship with him right now.
I'm sorry. But it doesn't seems like it could be a Disney's Princess happy ending story for me.
I really am working hard to make things better. I really am!!
But why can't him put some effort in this too?
Is he given up already?
Please..

You're the one that asked me to be part of your life.
But now you're the one that has given up already without even trying?
Or was it all this while you was just fooling around like those playboys cheating on girls?

Do you know the relieved feelings of waking in the morning knowing that you're still partially mine?
Every each second, minute, hours are like hell to me knowing that I'll be rip apart by the person who I loved.



I don't know why am I still so eager to keep this relationship than to just let it go.
Many says that he's not worth it. I don't believe them.
There must be a reason why he's acting at such way.
Until he tells me what the reason is, I will never give up.
Go ahead and play with my feelings if you're testing me.
Break my heart and rip me apart if that is what God trying to test me.
Just so you know,
no matter what happens, you got me for good.

Well, I came across Cheryl's blog yesterday and saw this post of her.
Yeahh..
Its so true.
"Women don’t want to marry boys, they want to marry men."



The 5 Pillar of Manhood


1. Lead - A man must be a leader in a relationship, in a marriage, in a family. There are no excuses. A woman doesn’t want to make the decisions for her man, she wants her man to lead in the relationship. A man must take initiative. A man of God is leader, not a follower, a servant, not a slave, a hero not a coward. A man of God knows God and therefore knows himself. He should be the leader spiritually first, emotionally, mentally and physically he should set the standard for others to follow.

2. Protect - A real man of God will protect his partner. That means he is willing to lay down his very own life, needs and wants for the protection of the one he loves. Every decision he makes when it comes to a relationship has her protection in mind. A woman needs to feel secure, that she is protected and safe with her man. She doesn’t need to second guess, wonder if she will be okay, or have her heart and mind played with. A real man of God will not only protect his woman physically, but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He always has the highest good in his mind for her safety, well being and wholeness. You either pursue a woman of God because she is God’s precious creation, or you don’t try touching it at all, or play with their hearts emotionally, unless you are willing to be up front and clear with your intentions and the direction of the relationship from the start. Women are emotional beings and their hearts are not to be played with.

3. Provide - A real man of God will do whatever it takes to provide for his significant other. That means monetarily in finances, in basic needs and as well as what she desires. When a man asks a father for his daughter in marriage, the father will not ask, “How are you doing spiritually first?” No, the first thing the father will ask is, “How will you provide for my daughter?” Because part of being and becoming a man is providing for others, especially your wife and children. If a man can’t provide, he isn’t a man. God gave us hands and we must put our hands to work, no excuses to be lazy, God made us to rule the earth. Women are not be treated as toys, trophies or a luxury item, women are God’s highest creation, the very image of God. Women were created for beauty. They were created beautiful, to feel beautiful to be treated beautiful. You don’t handle a rose without care, it is the same with a woman of God, you treat her with the utmost care, honor and respect. Also, men must also provide for women emotionally. When a women asks you, “How are you doing?” She is really asking, “How are you being?” Meaning, what are you feeling, thinking, seeing, being about at the moment. To love a women we must provide at every level – basic needs all the way to providing for them mentally, emotionally and spiritually, if not their hearts will die. Be a man, provide for your women. “Treat your woman like a queen and you will live like a king.”

4. Intergrity - A true man of God is a man of his word. Too many men in our culture break promises, play with women’s hearts, date girls as if it was a game, and have no respect for women at all. This is disgusting. In old times, when a man said “You have my word!” that word was bond, it was as if an actual contract had been written, because your word was your reputation. How many men do we know today who say one thing, but do another? Men who do not keep their word, their promise or follow through with their verbal commitments. In our culture we don’t take words seriously, but in God’s world words are everything. Blessings and curses come out of the same mouth. What comes out of our mouths determines what is truly in our hearts.

What a woman wants is a man of integrity. Someone who says what he does and does what he says. Someone they can trust at their word. So as a man you must come through. Words means nothing if they are not backed up with action. Don’t sorry unless you mean it. Don’t say sorry unless you are able to back up your apologies with doing the right thing. Integrity is doing what is right, whether people are watching or not. Integrity is what you do when no one is looking. Does your woman trust you completely? If not, it is a question of integrity. Don’t tell a women you love her unless your love shows, words carry weight. They either carry false weight or real weight, a woman knows when a man means what he says.

So live by your words, live by action, be a living proof of your values, convictions and commitments. Don’t get involved in a relationship unless you are sure this what you want and what God is leading you both to do. If you pursue a women, it should be with the intentions of marriage. If not, stop playing yourself and her. It’s not about finding the right woman, it’s about being the right man. That starts with first knowing God in order to know yourself, then you will know how to love and respect a woman.

5. Courage - You are not a man until you climb the great wall of China! This is what it says at the actual great wall. Well, I have climbed the Great Wall of China so I guess I must be more of a man than others, just kidding. What is the greater underlying message here? It is a message of courage. It is a message of adventure. A man of God is a man of courage, a man of adventure, a man who is willing to take risks and do the impossible. Men were born to live a life of great adventure. Men were created to fight battles. Men were created to rescue beauties. Men were created to live.
All men die, few men truly live.
Women don’t want nice guys or good boys, women want men on a mission, men on adventure, men who are dangerous. This is why many women are drawn to bad boys because bad boys live with a sense of risk, danger, mystery and unknown. Men were created to live fearless and to live by faith.

A man of faith will sweep a woman of God off of her feet. He will challenge her to go the distance in God, in their relationship and in life. A man of courage is someone who in the face of fear still chooses to move forward with trust in God, setting out to obey God’s voice at whatever the cost, because that is what matters the most. We need men who have hearts fully alive, hearts full of passion and are on a mission to change the world. There is a high cost to being a man of courage, there is a price to pay if we want to be a real hero, it means we are willing to go against the grain, follow God against all odds and live a life of honor, courage and righteousness.

When a woman finds a man of courage, it will encourage her to be all that God has created her to be. As a man, your goal is not how your woman can serve you, but how can you serve your woman? As a man, your goal is not how a woman can serve your destiny, but how can you do all that you possibly can to release the fullness of God’s glory and destiny in her.

Men take the lead, protect at all costs, provide in every way, live by your word and live a life of adventure with the Holy Spirit — obey God, not man and you will be the man of God you were created to be — and your woman will love you for it.

Well, isn't this so true?

Yes, it can be quite religious in a way.

But as you keep reading, and think back, this are the men that women looking for.

I hate my life.

I hate all this.

I hate how God is testing me in every single relationship I've got into.

I hate everything.

Why is it that it'll always be me to suffer all this pain alone?

Why is it that I can never find my very own happy ending?

I'm working my bloody ass off to get back this relationship like how it began.

And I'll continue doing so until every each pieces of my heart falls apart.

Unlike anyone out there,

I'm not those kind of girls who play a fool in relationships.

I'm doing my best to succumb all this pain into myself and smile as if everything is alright.

All I want is for you to love me, nothing more than that.

Is that too much to asked?

Are your intentions sincere?
Or are you only using me for your own benefits?

".. I don't wanna fall to pieces

'Cuz I'm in love with you.. "